Author #1, perusing email inbox:
...Is it fan mail? Is it a submission to Hard Ink Café?? Is it a proofreading job???
If it's none of the above, then it's the most verbose and narrative attempt at selling optical enhancement solutions/erectile dysfunction therapy that I've ever seen...
If you thought there was nothing sadder than Author Spam (viz, "Read my book, buy my book, review my book, I'll even give you a free copy!") then surely Porn Star Spam has to be worse. Yes, not only are there more writers than readers now in the world, there's now more online strippers than voyeurs...
SUBJECT: Hey You!
"BABE... i guess your not getting any of my email huh? ive been
tryign to
email u so many times but this dam laptop is such a piece of
garbage and
keeps freezing.. anyways how u been?
In case u dont know who this is its
ME Adriana*.. we used to chat a bit on facebook and then
I think u deleted me
:( haha.. anyways guess what... I got 2 things to
tell u.. both good news..
1) im single now.. yup me and my bf broke up
about 3 months ago... and 2)
guess where im moving? RIGHT EFFING NEAR
U.. lol... ur actually the only
person im gonna know there.. well 3
cousins too but i cant chill with them
lol..
I remember when we chatted u told me u thought i was cute and u
wanted to chill so now we finally
can HAHA! im kinda scared to move.. im
hoping this email addy is still
the one you use and u can chat with me ebfore
i get there.. maybe even
help me move my shit in...are u still on facebook? i
cudnt find ui was
soo confused...anyways im gonna need someone to show me the
town and
take me out so u better be around bebe...
we only chatted
a couple times but i remember thinking to myself i wanted to get ot know
u
better when i was single..a nd i thoguth u were cute too but cudnt
tell
u cause i wasnt single lol...ok so more info about me.. well im
23.. virgo..
love the outdoors and love to socialize, go out for
drinks, restaurants,
movies etc.. travel.. i have a lil kitty named
BOO and i luv her to death...
uhhh oh im a super horny gurl too but
every gurl is they just wont admit it.
so ilove watching p0rn and all
that.. love sex etc blah blah blah...who
doesnt..
I really hope we get a chance to chat for a bit either online or
on the fone before i get
there enxt week.. i hope u remmeber me and still
wanna chill and arent
married yet lol.. OH YA also.. i need to find a job
when i get there..
do u have any hookups or know anybody hiring? id LOVE
to work in a bar
or osmehting like that...really anythgin cause my current
job is fun
and all.. and technically i CUD keep doign it but i want a
change.. i
currently work from home and well thats cool but i need ot be
out
meeting people.. oh wait. i dont think i ever actually told u what
i
did? hmm shud i......???? ok WELLLL... and dont get all weirded out
on
me.. i work on a webcam chat community site and i get paid to chat
with
people and get naked HHAHA... BOMB right :)? I KNOW.. like i
figure iim horny
anyways why not get paid to chat with people and play
with myself
heheh...anyways i hope u dont look down on that and NO
THATS NOT WHY IM
CONTACTING U RELAX URSELF lol... i actually need help
once i move and i
remembered u live there so im reaching out....like i
said before this
computer is a complete piece of CRAP and freezes NON
STOP.. ive tried ot send
this email to u maybe 3 times already and im
hopign this time i can hit SEND
before i run into trouble lol..
ANYWAYS.. heres the deal....every month
natalie* (my boss) gives each
of us 3 VIP codes to give out to whoever we
want.. so with this code u
can lgoin to watch me at work for free and dont
have to pay like
everyone else... the only way i can give u one of the codes
(so we can
chat) is if you absolutey DO NOT give it out to anyone else and u
ONLY
USE IT FOR URSELF... i only get 3 a month and she gets pissed if
more
than 3 people use them so DONT SHARE IT MISTER... i figured u
cud
always email me back instead but my email account doesnt even let
me
login half the time.. so the bets palce ot chat me is my chat
room...
if theres anyone else logged in when u sign in ill boot them
out.. but
remember DONT SHARE THIS PASSWORD PLEASE BABE IM BEGGING U.. I
TRUST
U... im online most of the day now to try and save money for my
move..
also since im in such a huge debt already form my student loan :(
I
really thingk we need to chat before i get there and make sure u
evern
remember me hahha.. anyways ive rambled on and on now and ur
probably
soooo annnoyed with me so ill stop now.. im gonna go start work..
i
really hope u come chat me. it wud make my day and releive a lot of
my
stress about the move... REALLY i mean that....anyways once i see u
in
insdie ill shoot u myc ell number and u can gimme yours.. if u
dont
wanna come chat i understand but its really the only palce to find
me
now days.. if u email me abck ill probably get it once i get
there
after my internet is setup so about 2-3 weeks fomr now.. but im
hopign
to see u in my chat room.. rmemeber its 100% free with this code
im
gonna give u.. just DONT GIVE IT OUT OR ILL KICK U IN THE BALLS
INSTEAD
OF LICK U IN THE BALLS WHEN IS EE U hahahahha...k babe im out
for now... chat
ya soon.. kisses xoxo Adriana*
FREE VIP BYPASS LINK ---> XXXXX"
*Names may have been changed, but not necessarily by me.
Author #1:
Judging by the typos, perhaps I should assume it's a proofreading job and send it back spell-checked and punctuated, with Kindle-ready HTML and PoD PDF files formatted... or I could assume it's a submission for a feature on Hard Ink, and reply saying she forgot to include a photo. Then again, she might be one of those authors who gets shirty when I try and explain the 'no book covers/no professional author photos' rule... or I could just end up with a photo of a pussy. Damn crazy cat lady authors...
